Real Talk

Real Talk | When Are You Having Kids?

CosmeticChaos

I have been sitting on this post and this subject  for a long time. I realize the reason people come here is for beauty tips, not to listen to me ramble about the appropriateness of asking strangers of when they are having children, but since I have an audience, let this be heard.

For those of you who are new here and don’t know me, I am a 29 year old married woman. My husband and I both work full time, are financially sound, own a home, two vehicles and a dog with a fantastic family temperament. Picture perfect right? Ha Ha, not even, no one is, but that is neither here nor there for this topic of conversation.

Here in lies the issue. We have opted to live as a childfree couple, and that has become a controversial topic.

childfree-poster-300x240This does not go to say that my husband wouldn’t make a fantastic father, or say anything on my child raising/wanting abilities. It is truly neither here nor there, and my/our reasons for not having children don’t matter in this case.

I want to address this issue because when we are asked and tell people that decision an argument ensues almost every time.  It’s the same comments…

Who will take care of you when your older?

Your going to miss out on the joys of mother/fatherhood!

You will love them because they are yours!

It’s the best thing we\I ever did!

Don’t you feel empty inside?!

It’s your duty as a woman!

You were put on this planet to make a baby, it’s your social obligation!

and so on and so on. imagesI can handle it. It used to really get under my skin but it doesn’t anymore. The age old question of “When are you going to have children” causes so much strife. The usual answer is “oh soon” or “we aren’t going to have children”.

If she responds with the latter, the reaction is listed above. What you don’t know is that woman just came back from spending 100’s of thousands of dollars on IVF, on fertility testing, failed pregnancy tests, and sleepless nights filled with lost hope. She feels faulty and worthless and like she can’t complete her “god given right” and her “social obligation”.  She has sat at friends and families baby showers, and celebrated new lives, after having yet another negative sign thrown in her face just before. imgres

The man you asked, has been given news that his sperm count is too low to have a family with his wife, and they have spent the night arguing about it. He is tired, disappointed and feels terrible for taking away the chance to be a Mother, from the woman he loves. He is trying to support her through a terrible time and feels like he is incomplete and less of a man.

images

The last thing they want to hear is all they are missing out on. You might think you know what they are going through but the likeliness is they haven’t told you anything.

Generally just avoid the “when are you having kids?” question. It opens a can of worms that most are not ready for or prepared to share details on.

I completely understand that this question is asked by way of making common conversation, but it is truly a private question and a private position of the parties involved.

Disclaimer: Fertility issues do not apply to Ccosmetic Chaos

34 thoughts on “Real Talk | When Are You Having Kids?”

  1. Having a child is BY FAR the biggest life decision a person could make, and it should never be made in haste or from pressure. It should be made because both parents absolutely WANT a child. There are far too many unwanted children in this world. I will never understand why anyone would ever try to pressure or convince a couple they should reproduce.

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  2. My husband and I recently had our first child, and we love being new parents. That said, we cannot believe the number of people who feel that it is appropriate to bug a couple about having kids! We’ve been married for an awful long time and been childless for most of that time, so we got plenty of urging along the way. Nothing as blatantly rude as some of the comments you got, thankfully, but still. I could never imagine telling other people what they should do with their life, especially on a topic so intensely personal.

    Of course, once you have one kid, people invariably start saying, “So, when is the sibling on the way?” AAAAARGH. It never ends.

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  4. My family used to bug the crap out of me about “When are you going get married and have kids?” Now that I’m 40, the having kids part has died down, but the “When are you gonna get married?” still pops up. My boyfriend used to say he didn’t want to get married again (he’s divorced), but not too long ago he said “Never say never”. If we get married we get married if we don’t we don’t I have no expectations and I am not pushing him into something he doesn’t want to do. I don’t even know if I want to get married. People need to learn to mind their own business, you know?

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    1. Honestly? The original title of this post was “MIND YOUR OWN F&@$ing BUSINESS!!!” I changed it on the side of tact. Sorry your family is being bothersome, I had never intended to get married either and then it just kind of happened

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      1. If my boyfriend ever asks me to marry him, I know I’ll say yes. But he got pressured into his previous marriage (he married her because he felt he owed it to her… even though he really didn’t want to get married). So if he changes his mind it’s all on him. I’m not going to push him.

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      3. We both got a lot of stuff to work on both ends before the thought of even maybe getting married comes up. Maybe one day he’ll ask me to move in with him, but we both like having our own space & privacy and all that. LOL!

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  5. Thank you so much for this! I’ll be 28 in a few weeks and my husband is 30. His family is constantly asking us when we are having kids, they’ve been asking since BEFORE we got married. My husband won’t let me tell them we don’t want children, at least not anytime soon. My family completely understands and don’t push the issue at all. My parents were in their 30’s when they decided to have kids. Right now it’s not going to happen and both of us are fine with never having them. I wish I could explain it to my in-laws.

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    1. It’s incredibly difficult and if someone doesn’t get it they just DONT. As much as they can’t imagine not wanting children I can’t imagine wanting them. It’s two sides of the same coin. They will get it eventually. I’m actually in the same boat with my Inlaws but I have always been able to be clear about not wanting children. They don’t understand but I think they are coming to terms with it

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      1. It is very frustrating. I’m sorry you’re going through the same thing. I couldn’t agree more though, if people minded their own S**t we’d all be much happier!

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  6. I’m so glad you addressed this. I’ve followed a few blogs of ladies who struggle with infertility and I can only imagine how hard it would be on them for a stranger to say something like this. It really believe no one says it intentionally to be malicious and that they are (as you said) just trying to make conversation… but people need to work on their conversational skills and find a new way to approach the right that people have to have or not to have children. It never ends even if you do have them though…. my son is 19 months and people keep asking when I’m having another… don’t you want a girl!? Uh, no actually. I don’t. LOL.

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    1. They are literally the biggest commitment you will ever make in your life. I don’t u see stand how people can argue it… It’s like not someone tells me they have kids and I’m like oh!!!!! That’s terrible! But it’s so expensive and your going to miss out on so much!!!!

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      1. Very. Expensive. Daycare is $600 a month (and that’s cheap). DIapers are around $50. Food is around $150. Then they need clothes… and if you split up there is child support to pay. And then no matter what happens in life they need you. If you’re sick? Too bad, they need you. You just lost your job? Tough luck, they need you. Husband left you? Awe shucks, the kids still need you! I knew my whole life that I wanted to have children but I can totally see why people would want to pass. P.S. I heard a comedian once respond to the question “but who’s going to take care of you when you’re older!?” He said, “a hot, Swedish nurse that I’m going to pay with all of the money I save not raising kids!” LOL

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  7. I think it’s terribly rude to ask someone that question especially if u don’t know them. Just for conversation. I have three boys almost six yrs apart. Not on purpose. I’m glad to have had them. But it’s very hard being a parent. My youngest is almost 16. It’s been a long hard road. Not that I regret it it I don’t. But to try to get someone else to make such a commitment is no ones business. I think it’s ur life and u should live it the way u want to. It’s a choice most of the time. Like all choices they r ours to make. As long as ur happy and enjoy ur life that’s all that matters. Those crazy questions r no guarantee. Especially that they will take care of u. Some so and some don’t. After both of my parents passing and five us to share it. Not all want or do take care of their parents in the end. I think life either way sounds great. And not having children. So much less to worry about it. Just saying. I love ur posts and videos and u and ur mom were funny. Thanks. U could see the bind u have.

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    1. Thanks Joyce, I’m actually very happy to see the response this post has gotten. It’s my highest traffic day by a land slide. And your absolutely right there is likely not a more private decision than this!

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  8. Believe it or not my partner and I don’t even want children! I don’t feel like the world is the way it was when we grew up. Times now are so different and I don’t want to bring a child in this world. Plus there is so much more to taking care of children, college etc it can be super expensive.

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  9. If you and your husband both agree to not have any children, that is between you and him. I simply cannot stand when other individuals try to impose their beliefs on you. I think many couples have children because they feel its what their “supposed” to do and not what they truly want to do. I myself, am married with 2 children. Me and my husband have been together for 28 years. My daughter just turned 21 and my son is about to be 15. The crazy thing is that me and my husband would have another baby in a second if we could. We always knew we wanted children. Don’t EVER let anyone make you feel bad about your decision. Those same individuals won’t be there to help you with those late, sleepless nights or the financial responsibility. As long as you understand what you’re doing, that’s all that matters. Hugs! 🙂

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    1. The last part of your comment really strikes it for me. Don’t tell me to do something that is severely going to affect my lifestyle and then you just walk about your life an do your thing. I don’t think so batman!

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  10. Great post! I too am 29 and have so many people asking when I want to have children (& get married). I have been with my partner for 7 yrs & want to do both eventually but really get so tired of people asking these questions all the time. As if its any of their business! !

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  11. Sorry you’re going throught this. Personally, I think this is a personal question that should only be reserved for the closest of friends or family members and quite honestly I think it’s still no one’s business when a couple wants or doesn’t want to have children. Comments like “don’t you feel empty inside or t’s the best thing we\I ever did!, etc” and the like are merely their way of placing what they feel upon you and it’s not right. As fully capable adults how can anyone presume to know what is best for someone else? We’d be far better off minding our own business, life is hard enough without trying to live another person’s life.

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